How to make friends as an adult, especially in a new city

At school, friends happened to you. You sat next to someone, and that was that. As an adult, especially after moving to a new city, it suddenly takes effort. Everyone seems busy, everyone seems to have their people already, and asking “want to hang out?” feels oddly like asking someone on a date.

If that’s you right now: it’s not you. It’s maths. Here’s what the research says, and what actually helps.

How long does it take to make a friend?

Communication researcher Jeffrey Hall (University of Kansas) asked exactly this. He surveyed adults who had recently moved to a new city and students in their first semester, and asked how much time they’d spent with new people and how close they felt.

His rough estimates:

• About 50 hours together to go from acquaintance to casual friend.
• About 90 hours to become a real friend.
• More than 200 hours to become a close friend.

Two details are worth knowing. First, time spent hanging out counted much more than time spent working side by side. Your colleague of three years might still be “just a colleague”. Second, these are averages from one research programme, not a stopwatch. But the message is clear: friendship is built in hours, and hours need a reason to happen.

Why “let’s grab coffee sometime” doesn’t work

“Sometime” is where friendships go to die. A single nice evening with someone new doesn’t add up to 50 hours. What does is repetition: seeing the same people again and again, without having to organise it from scratch every time.

That’s why so many adult friendships start in places with a built-in rhythm: a weekly running club, a language class, a choir, a climbing gym, a coworking desk. The structure does the scheduling for you.

Good news: people like you more than you think

Two well-known findings should make the first step a little easier:

• Strangers enjoy talking to you more than you expect. In experiments on trains and buses in Chicago (Epley and Schroeder, 2014), commuters who were asked to talk to a stranger had a more pleasant journey than those who sat alone, even though they had predicted the opposite.
• The “liking gap”. After a conversation, people consistently underestimate how much the other person liked them (Boothby and colleagues, 2018). That awkward chat you’re replaying in your head? They probably thought it was nice.

In other words, the other person is likely just as keen, and just as nervous.

6 ways to make friends in a new city

1. Pick one thing with a weekly rhythm

One regular activity beats five one-off events. Choose something you’d enjoy even if you made no friends there: a running club, a team sport, a pottery class, a volunteering shift. Then go every week for at least two months.

2. Go where people share your goal

A shared goal gives you something to talk about from minute one, and a reason to meet again. Training for the same race, building a business, learning the same language: these all create natural follow-ups (“How did the long run go?”).

3. Be the one who suggests the next time

Most people are waiting for someone else to make a plan. Be that person. Make it specific: “I’m going to the Saturday market at 10. Want to come?” is far easier to say yes to than “we should hang out”.

4. Turn one-offs into routines

Once you’ve met someone you like, find a reason to repeat it: a weekly run, a Sunday coffee, a Thursday work session. Routines collect those hours without effort.

5. Be patient with the awkward phase

The first few meetings can feel a bit stiff. That’s normal, and the liking gap means it probably feels worse to you than to them. Give it a few rounds before you decide there’s no spark.

6. Meet somewhere public at first

With anyone new from the internet, meet in a public place for the first few times, tell a friend where you’re going, and trust your gut. A good new friend will understand.

Where an accountability partner fits in

An accountability partner is a surprisingly good shortcut to friendship. You meet regularly anyway, you talk about something that matters to you both, and you see each other on good days and bad ones. That’s exactly the recipe for those 50, 90 and 200 hours.

That’s why we built Pactful the way we did. You tell us your goal, and a real human pairs you with someone who’s working on something similar, ideally close by. We’re starting in Hamburg, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, The Hague and Utrecht. Friendship isn’t guaranteed, but it starts with a reason to meet.

Join the waitlist, and if you do meet, here are questions for your first conversation.